5 holiday gifts for that special someone….

Having trouble finding something for that special lady in your life? TV, Internet, department stores and catalogs are flooded with items for sale that are sure to put a sparkle in her life.

Sure… lava lamps, ironing boards, longjohns, soda stream soda makers, vacuum cleaners, shoe organizers and snuggies all make great gifts. But its 2011 people!And there is so much more out there!!

Image via Wikipedia

Here are some gifts that will definitely tickle her fancy on Christmas morning, and sure to get you some action on Christmas night!!

1. Booty pop- retailed at $28-$40 “A booty-licious booty in an instant” What woman doesn’t want to look like one of the Kardashian sisters (except for maybe Khloe, poor thing, I like her the most) This is a win win for you guys out there. Wouldn’t you like to have a night on the town with a fine ass on your arm? Baby got back!

2. Pajama jeans- ONLY 39.95!!!! “Looks like denim, but feels like pjs!” You can get them in bootcut or skinny. Whichever your fashionista prefers! Throw these bad boys on, and you’re ready to go! Too exhausted at the end of the night to put your pajamas on? No need, just jump right into bed! Order now and you can get a free grey tshirt to go with it.  Valued at $100!

3. Slap Chop-$19.95 “Chop nuts in one slap!” Nothing says Happy holidays like, get in the kitchen and chop my nuts! And who wouldn’t want to buy something that helps the spokesperson pay for violent showdowns with prostitutes? The ladies will thank you!

4. This one has to be my absolute favorite. It’s called the Forever Lazy-for the low low cost of $29.95, you can bogo free! Now you and your partner can “get toasty WARM from head to toe”.  And who wouldn’t want to be lazy forever? We ARE Americans after all. I mean, you can wear this thing EVERYWHERE! Out on your deck while drinking coffee, family game night, and best of all while tailgating at a Patriots game with your friends! (We all know how cold it can get here in New England!) This one is so good I had to add the commercial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5S2p7AiNX9g

And don’t forget the easy access for when duty calls!!!!

5. And finally, the Eggstractor makes the perfect gift for that lady who is always boiling eggs. On sale this week for $12.99. “Tired of peeling eggs?…not anymore!”. I am sure every woman has enough space in her cabinets to hoard this bad boy.

So go on, get shopping! Buy one, buy all! And while your wasting your money on this crap, think to yourself “Why didn’t I think of that?”

‘Tis the Season..to be broke…(a guide on surviving the holidays!)

So, it’s that time people. 23 days left til that day when we exchange gifts, see happy smiles on our friends’ and families’ faces, travel from house to house, stuff our faces, and then crash. All in one day, but it takes us on average about 30 days to prepare for this madness. I don’t want to get into what Christmas is really about! Many people have different views, beliefs, and blah blah blah. Let’s just talk about what it has become, and that is mass consumerism of broke Americans. I often wonder, when I am out shopping, that if our economy is in the crapper then where are people getting their money from? I know you think the same. Especially in the state that I live in, Rhode Island, where unemployment is at 12%!

This is what’s happening, and also one of the causes of our crap economy. People are opening credit cards, extending their lines of credit, paying the minimums on their current credit bills,dipping into their kid’s college funds, skimping on utility payments thinking that they will just pay the extra to make up for it next month. Don’t lie people, you know you do it. How do I know? I am guilty of it too. Yes, there are some people who do save for the holidays, and there are people who don’t live paycheck to paycheck and have an excess in disposable income, but they are not the majority. Here are some helpful hints for you broke asses out there like myself to not get yourself into a big hole before the New Year!

Make a list of who you have to buy for, then make your budget for Dec. and whatever is leftover, split it up accordingly and STICK TO YOUR LIST AND YOUR BUDGET! (if you don’t have enough to buy your 8 yr old nephew Bobby the Ipod touch he wants, oh well, get him the nano)

Sign up for email alerts, text alerts, mailers etc. from your favorite department stores & restaurants. Check out places like Groupon, Living social, and restaurants.com.  I am constantly bombarded with coupons and I feel so guilty if I go in a store and I don’t have one because I know I am not getting maximum savings! (but be careful, read the fine print!)

Women, DO NOT take your husband or children shopping with you. They are impatient and you will feel inclined to buy something you didn’t plan to just to get the hell out of there!

Keep all of your receipts. Things are constantly going on sale from now until Christmas. Go get your money back. You may think it would cost you more in gas to go back, but chances are, you will be back in that area again. SCORE!

Homemade gifts are nice. but not for bratty children or imposing family members. You may be able to get away with giving grandma, or your great aunt Margaret, a nice mason jar filled with ingredients to make their own cookies.

Start a Christmas club at your bank. This works well for some people, but you need to have the discipline not to take the money and run to the casino, and be prepared to shop early.

Don’t buy yourself gifts. This is the time of year not to be selfish. Do what I do, take pictures and text them to your spouse 🙂 it royally pisses him off, but it plants a seed! And if you absolutely must buy yourself something, get a pretzel from Auntie Anne’s (inside joke)

So there you have it. Some ways to avoid overspending, and breaking the bank. I wish all of you a healthy, happy, stress free holiday. Ultimately, if you don’t have it, you don’t have it. And don’t feel bad because many people are in the same boat. If little nephew Bobby doesn’t like his ipod nano, and great Aunt Margaret doesn’t like her jar of unbaked cookies, then I have two words, FUCK THEM!!

Merry Christmas!!!!

Scary Santa Photo Time!

Oh boy, it’s time to get that photo op with good ol’ Santa Claus at the mall. Get in line folks, and I mean long line. What a pain in the ass. Bad enough we can’t stand to keep our own children occupied, and keep ourselves sane while waiting, but we have to wait in line with dozens of other snotty nosed, wheezing, whiny little children. But it’s just so nice to have the memory of your child sitting on some random man’s lap, even though we encourage them to NEVER sit on any grown man’s lap who isn’t grandpa, daddy, or uncle.

The cost of a photo is obscene. We paid $15.00 for a measly 5×7. Thank you local mall for ripping me off. And DON’T EVER even try to use your camera phone. My husband tried that one year, and Paul Blart was ready to haul us right out of the mall. The cashier who so pleasantly took our money told him (not so nicely), to put his phone away and he not so nicely told her to f*ck off. Yes, in front of everyone. It wasn’t a pleasant scene. In his defense, like mentioned above, we waited about a half hour for the picture, while corralling our child away from the velvet ropes, and getting ripped off. As you could see his patience was worn thin. Of course it was up to mommy, to buffer the situation and step between the two of them, while directing my child to look at the camera and say cheese! We walked away unscathed.

The good thing about Santa photos, is that you can usually get away with 2-3 years of not getting them. That’s a savings of about 45 dollars! Infants to a year old, don’t really know what is going on, so they will more than likely be willing to plop on Santa’s lap and have their photo taken. Between ages of 2-4, children are likely scared of “life-sized” characters that they have seen on TV and in books. So getting them to oblige to having a picture with Santa, is most likely not going to happen without some kicking, and screaming. But it may be funny to have a photo to look back at, with the look of terror on your child’s face!

My son is now 5, and he hasn’t had his photo with Santa since he was 2 years old. Since I am always snapping photos of him, he saw that getting his picture with Santa Claus was more of a photo op, than a chance to tell him what he wanted for Christmas. He is a camera ( i looked for a synonym for whore since I am referring to a 5 year old, but streetwalker, hooker, and tramp just didn’t seem fitting) whore. And I wonder where he gets that from. He saw the Santa set up at the mall, said he didn’t want his photo this year and then within 30 seconds changed his mind and said “I do want to have my picture taken, do I have anything on my face?” Luckily for me, Santa was on lunch break. My husband took him back the following weekend (while I stayed home and played sick) and I had to remind him not to try and snap his own photo!

So, get your kids’ best clothes out, take some airborne to ward off germy kids, maybe a valium might help while standing in line and then you won’t care that your child is swinging from the velvet rope, open your wallets, tell your husband not to bust out his camera phone, and remind your child to say cheese and to never ever sit on any man’s lap if you’re not around even if he says he is Santa!!

Happy Ho Ho Holidays!